Background on Beckett's Hearing and 2 months update :)

Some things in life are just out of your control, and frankly it sucks. Beckett failed the newborn screening time twice at the hospital in his left ear. We then waited two weeks in hopes that it was just fluid and would drain out. But at the hospital he failed again. So they referred us to an audiologist to get deeper testing. The first time we went was just a disaster. We waited for 45 minutes (I guess all of their appointments ran long that day) so by the time we were seen Beckett was awake and in order to get the most accurate testing they should be asleep. So we tried to do the 3 different tests before I finally said I need to feed him this isn't working and I want to give him the best chance of passing. So after I fed him the audiologist came back in and tried to do another test but by then he was pretty frank and said that the receptionists screwed up scheduling appointments for pretty much the entire day and didn't schedule extra time for any newborn screenings. So we went back the next week and they did the testing again.

We were really hoping it was just fluid but something in my gut was telling me it wasn't. Maybe it was the Spirit prepping me for bad news so I was more prepared.  During the testing they determined that Beckett has moderate-severe sensorineural hearing loss in his left ear and it is permanent. The root of the problem stems from the inner ear in which there is a problem with the cochlea.  Beckett has issues with high pitches, so sounds like voices are very hard for him to hear out of his left ear. The first thing I thought was 'but his right ear works greats great so isn't that enough'. But that's not how your ears and brain work independently and together. If there is an issue in one it effects how you learn to transmit sounds into words- so speech is impaired, learning development is effected, and there are other issues as well. So it's not something that you should ever leave untreated, especially in infants. The earlier you address the issue the better. So we are at a good advantage since we are addressing it so early that hopefully there won't be any delays.

So since this hearing loss is permanent really the only treatment right now is a hearing aid for his left ear. The hraring aid needs to be worn 24/7 for the rest of his life except for when he is swimming or sleeping.He may be a candidate for a cochlear implant in the future but that will have to wait until he is older and we're not ever sure if we would want it. When people hear the word implant they immediately thing of something unseen. Cochlear implants are anything but. It's virtually a hearing aid with a wire that contacts to the outside of your skull (so on top of your head.where it's very noticeable). It's actually much larger than a hearing aid. We would definitely get it if he was deaf but his hearing in his right ear is good and the left one can use a hearing aid. We went to the ENT (ear nose throat doc.) And he agreed with the audiologist. He does want to do a cat scan or an MRI in December when Beckett is a little older to see the extent of what is wrong in his inner ear.

When they told me I was kind of numb at first and then just sad. You never want to hear that there is something wrong with your kid or something that could possible be a challenge in his life.  I fear the day that some kid makes fun of him for having it or when he feels embarrassed by it. He may have our permission to punch that kid in the stomach, or hopefully he'll do the opposite and befriend that kid and embrace the fact that he had an aid and use it to his advantage. It's up to him though. I don't want him to think that's it's something to be ashamed of because he may look a little different than other kids. I want him to feel like 'sure my left ear is a little off so I wear this to help me hear and I can do anything that anyone else can-heck there are things that I can do better!'

I also want him to know that he is blessed, very blessed to be able to use a hearing aid. If it was any worse he would be deaf in his left ear and there would be no point in one. And frankly if the worst thing in your life is a hearing aid you are truly blessed and have a wonderful life.  Beckett is going to have to go about some things a little different than other kids but I want him to know that it doesn't make him worth any less than them. God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  He will have to wear a hearing aid the rest of his life. We won't know if it's progressive (meaning his hearing will get worse) or if he will start to loose hearing in his right ear until he is older.

I was kind of in denial about him having to wear a hearing aid for the rest of his life and if this would effect his development and self esteem. It didn't really hit me until the ENT confirmed that it was sensorineural and permanent and for some reason I just burst into tears in his office. He was my last hope that this was something that could be fixed.

I feel a bunch of weird emotions. Like I'm sad for Beckett that he'll have this struggle but at the same time I feel bad for feeling sad because there are people with children who have life these life threatening diseases. Like I said if his biggest struggle is hearing aids and everything that comes along with them then he is living a great life. That being said I've come to realize that it's okay to feel upset about this it doesn't make me a bad or ungrateful person. When we first found out everyone we told would immediately say it could be a lot worse at least he's not deaf. I know that it's coming from a good place, but honestly when you get bad news and need to talk to someone that isn't the right choice of words- we know it could be a lot worse, we just want someone to validate the emotion that we are feeling and tell us that it's okay to feel that and it will get better.

We are constantly getting asked on a daily basis what he is wearing in his ear haha.  At first it annoyed me, but now I am used to it.  When little kids ask what it is I always start of with something like you know how Batman has all these cool gadgets to help him fight bad guys, well Beckett has this really cool one that helps him hear so well it's like a superpower.  They think it's pretty darn cool! I even had one little boy ask to borrow it haha.  It's also funny when elderly people ask about it because they are just blown away to see a hearing aid on an infant (especially when they wear one themselves).  Just today the elderly women I was sitting next to in relief society asked what it was and I told her a hearing aid.  She just smiled really big and said something along the lines of I thought it was! And then showed me hers haha. Developmentally so far Beckett is doing awesome and seriously he is as sweet as pie. This kid is like my little miracle because he is just what we needed in our family. He brings so much peace and happiness.

He loves being in the baby carrier and I love wearing it. We can see a bond developing between him and Brynlee which is really cute. Sometimes when he's fussy and I can't pick him up right away Brynlee will run to him and tell him it's okay, kiss and hug him and he'll actually calm down. These two love each other already. She'll even tuck him in with her blanket "reesi" sometimes. Which anyone who has ever met her blanket knows that's a big deal and true love.

At two months old is he 14 1/2 lbs and 23 1/2 inches.  He is a big and healthy boy! He nursers about every 2-4 hours during the day so it's pretty easy to go out and do stuff with him and Brynlee.  He is an awesome sleeper at night.  Most nights he'll sleep through completely and wake up at 7am to eat, but sometimes he does add a little midnight feeding in there.

I absolutely LOVE breastfeeding.  Not just because of the financial benefits (which are awesome) and the nutritional, but because I just feel this beautiful closeness with him (I felt the same closeness when I fed Brynlee a bottle too, it might just be the act of feeding haha).  He'll randomly stop eating, and give me the biggest smile and little grunt/giggle and then keep on eating.  I just love him soooooo much!

Brynlee is such a amazing big sister! She is so sweet with him and always comes up to him and says "pretty baby" and loves kissing him.  She also loves holding him now!  He is pretty much half her size so it's a little funny looking.  B's speech has just be flourishing and improving so much.  She carries on these funny little conversations with me and she actually tries to negotiate with me about watching movies or taking a nap.  She is still her same old social butterfly who just loves everyone.

Beckett's 1 Month Old!

We made it through our first month- holy cow it has flown by super quick.  Beckett is such an awesome baby.  He pretty much just eats and sleeps.  He's like a power nurser too and it only takes like 15 minutes to feed him.

Brynlee is my little helper and LOVES her baby brother.  Sometimes just a little too rough haha she is constantly checking on him and likes to hold him now.  But when he gets fussy and she's holding him she really doesn't want to give him up.  She loves to rest her face on his and kiss him.  They are going to be so stinking cute together.

Beckett is one big kid! He was 11 lbs. 6 oz.  and is pretty long to.  He's just our little linebacker and I love those cheeks.  I understand why Brynlee is always touching them haha.

It amazes me how much he sleeps.  At night time he only nursers twice a night.  Once at 3am and then again around 7am.  He's so easy though because he just eats and goes right back to sleep.  It's weird not having to walk around shushing and bouncing and swaying for hours at a time.  Brynlee was really colicky for the first 6 weeks so life was prety difficult.  I feel like we have a better handle on it this time around :)

A little update

We are definitely enjoying being a family of 4! Beckett has such a mellow little personality.  The breastfeeding is going really well too.  During the day he eats about every 2 hours and at night time he eats about every 3 or 4 hours.  Last night Ben used a bottle that I pumped earlier that day so I got to sleep for a solid 7 hours...it was wonderful!! I was lucky this week to and three times this week I was able to get Brynlee and Beckett down for naps at the same time, again wonderful.  Beckett's a pretty big kid :) At his 2 week appointment he was 10 lbs. 10 oz. and 21.5 inches long.  So 95th percentile for height and 90th for weight, apparently we make big healthy boys!

Brynlee has been doing really great adjusting to having a sibling.  She gets a little jealous sometimes when Ben gets home from work and can't play with her right that second, but for the most part she's been awesome.  She adores her brother and is constantly checking on him, rubbing his head, and hugging him.  She tells him that she loves him and gives him kisses without any prompting to.  It's so sweet and makes my day.  At first Brynlee would get this nervous laugh whenever he would cry but now (for the most part) she tries to help if he's crying by brining him a binky, a toy, or by telling him to feel better and rubbing his head.  Although twice this week he was crying and I couldn't get to him right away so it had been a few minutes and Brynlee just stood over him and told him to "stop crying baby brother", it was funny and we had a nice little chat that sometimes babies cry and we should be kind to them...I think she got it ;) This was my first official week solo at home so it was interesting! I realize that I need to grow another set of hands or clone myself in order to get everything done.  I'm come to terms there are more important things than to have the apartment spotless, it's generally clean for the most part because when it's messy I feel anxious.

I took Beckett's newborn pictures over a course of 3 days and it really really made me appreciate when I had my small little studio room.  It was such a pain setting everything up and taking it down every day and I eventually gave up.  I wish I could have gotten 1 more setup in (and use at least 2 more of the little pants that I bought), but I am really happy with how they turned out.  I rented the camera that I am hoping to buy next year to test it out and I absolutely LOVED it.  It was a full frame so my 50mm worked perfectly on it.  I tried to get some of Brynlee and Beckett, but right now Brynlee will avoid the camera at any costs.  I managed to get 2 though and I think they are pretty sweet.  I need to take more pictures, but half the time I'm just trying to keep everyone happy.

I lost my pregnancy weight!  It wasn't hard this time because I only gained 13 lbs.  So I actually weight 7 lbs less then when I got pregnant.  I'd like to lose 30 lbs. by December so next week I'm signing up for a new gym membership and I'm going to get my butt into gear.  Ben has been going to the gym a few times a week again so that gives me some encouragment, and I'm lucky if I'm able to eat anything during the day.  All I want to eat is meat and baby spinach salad (with croutons, yum!).  I have to limit the amount of dairy that I eat or Beckett gets really gassy.  Frankly if I can grab a bowl of granola cereal before 11am it's a good day.

Anyhoo, life if a little chaotic right now and I'm still trying to get my bearings.  I have yet to take both kids anywhere by myself yet haha I'm a chicken! Maybe next week ;) I'm still working on Beckett's room.  I changed the color scheme a little bit, it was looking a little too girly for my taste so I added some black and white curtains and some fun wall decor to add some contrast, I can't wait till them get here and it's all done.  Then I'll do another little photo session of it and hopefully get some pictures of me and Beckett together, more lifestyle though.

Beckett's Birth Story

To say Beckett's delivery was different from Brynlee's would be an understatement. The most important thing is that he and I are safe and healthy now. He's a beautiful little boy with just a sweet demeanor about him already.

At 41 weeks we found out that he was Sunnyside up and that I had too much fluid inside me. Sunnyside up is when they are head down but their body is fliped in the wrong direction, so if they are laying on their back they should be looking at the floor, when they are sunnyside they are actually looking at the sky.  So the chances of him turning on his own and not needing assistance before i went into labor on my own weren't very good. Also when a baby is Sunnyside up the largest part of their head isn't up against your cervix but your back. So I wasn't dilating. After a great talk with my wonderful midwife we decided to have me induced the next day by her breaking my water. I was still determined to have a natural child birth again without any drugs or unnecessary intervention. While getting my water broken is an intervention it was needed for us to have the most successful delivery possible. This whole pregnancy I had it in my mind that everything would be the same as Brynlee's labor and delivery. No pregnancy or labor and delivery is ever exactly the same. It was at my 41 week check up that I finally came to terms with the fact that this was going to be significantly different and that it was OKAY.

We went into the hospital at 7:30am and got all registered and checked in. By 8:30 Susan (my midwife) came in to break my water.  They take like this small plastic hook and go inside you like a pelvic exam and just put a little tear in it.  It honestly didn't hurt all that much it was just uncomfortable.

Then it's just the waiting game. Me and Ben just talked alot, I soaked on and off in the tub, and we walked around the hospital. I started having more intense regular contractions at around I think 1pm and by 2pm I was for sure in transition. Ben was a rock star and was just my total rock. I can't thank him enough for the constant support. When Susan arrived I was already in the tub and her and Ben were doing a lot of counter pressure to help with the pain. They moved me on my hands and knees onto the bed because this was the position that I planned to give birth in. With Brynlee I was standing up with my forearms over the bed and knew how much working with gravity helped, especially when bearing down.

By then I was pushing and no matter how hard I pushed it didn't seem like he was moving on out. My body collapsed. It was terrifying and defeating and I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I had never felt so much pain in my life I was crying and yelling back and forth between "I can't do it" and "I can do it".  This pain was different from Brynlee's birth.  My face was buried in the bed just sobbing at that point I knew something was wrong. They told me that I immediately had to get off my hands and knees and they flipped me to my side and that is when I felt it. He was stuck. Literally his head was hanging out of me but his shoulders were stuck. It was horrifying for everyone in the room I believe. The cord was wrapped around his neck so they had to quickly flip me back over onto my back and do what was needed. I let out one last push with every part of my being and Susan had to put her hand inside of me to move his shoulder and literally pull him out to get the cord undone around his neck.  Ben later told me that the look on everyone's face was like they were prepared but worried.  By then there were like 6 people in my room.

She was very fast but at the time it felt like eternity. She put him on me but immediately I knew something was wrong. He wasn't moving at all, he wasn't crying at all, he was the bluish purplish baby I had ever laid my eyes on. And not the normal color that babies are born with.  He laid on me like a limp lifeless fish for a couple of seconds. They told me me that his umbilical cord had also a complete knot in it. So he was deprived of oxygen and they took him to the other side of the room right away and he was surrounded by 3 nurses and a doctor and they were whispering. He had also swallowed a large amount of aminotic fluid as well.  He didn't make any noise still and they had to have him on an oxygen mask for a little while so I couldn't hold him or see him since they were working on him.  I tore again pretty badly with a 3 degree. I'm lucky I didn't have a larger tear. He is a truck!! He was 10 1/2 lbs. And 20 1/2 inches long. There was no indication ever that I was going to have such a large baby. No gestational diabetes, i only gained 13 lbs, and I was measuring right along. He was 9 days overdue though. After I was sewn up and he was stable and most of him was no longer a dark deep blue I was able to have him.

The whole thing is still surreal.  We could have lost him. We talked about traumatic births a little bit in the birthing class that we took when I was pregnant with Brynlee.  This was for sure a traumatic experience for us and i know it's going to take me a while to be okay and to both physically and emotionally heal from it.  For the first couple of days I kept reliving it, seeing him so blue and so limp on me.

He had a rough entrance into the world: Shoulder dischocia,  cord wrapped around his kneck, and his cord tied in a true knot. I'm so thankful that babies never have to remember their entrance.

Even though it was a very rough road to bring him into this world I am so grateful that he is perfect now and I have no doubt that Heavenly Father has a wonderdul plan for him and our family.  I'm so grateful for the amazing team that I had there. The nurses were amazing, my midwife wad amazing, and Ben truly was amazing. I'm so grateful that I listened to my midwife and got induced because he would probably have only been bigger and even more stuck.  I'm so grateful for my body and the strength that God has given women to deliver children.  I'm grateful that even when I wanted to give up I didn't. I'm grateful that i was able to deliver him free of any drugs and that i was able to (for the most part) be in control of my body as much as possible. Most importantly though I'm so grateful for Beckett and the special little spirit that he is.

There is just so much to be grateful for!

Beckett John Stanly

July 10, 2014

10 1/2 lbs. 

20 1/2 in.

Motherhood is hard and not for the faint of heart. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but it's really the hardest thing I've ever had the privilege to do.

My mom wasn't a stay at home mom, she had to work a ton to support our family after my parents split up. So we always had babysitters or fended for ourselves. She did the absolute best she could, and I am so grateful because I know it wasn't easy for her.

Now that I'm a stay at home mom myself I often find myself really confused and upset and thinking I'm totally failing this whole parenthood deal. I'm just never sure if I'm doing a good job.  It's this overwhelming dark cloud and Satan's influence just trying to get me to believe that I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough.

We've had a really rough month lately. Mainly because I haven't been able to be as active with Brynlee as I should be.  Her temper tantrums are full out scary screaming fits. It's the most ear piercing screech and every time I just want to slam my face into the wall or run far far away from everyone. It doesn't help that we live in an apartment either with very high ceilings so our neighbors hear absolutely everything. I constantly feel like child protective services is going to be called by how loud Brynlee can scream.  Now it's not like she screams 24 hours a day, there are definitely plenty of fun times as well. Sometimes it's just hard to remember the good parts of the day when your child is having a meltdown. Tonight was one of those nights.  She woke up from her nap just cranky and everything set her off. We finally got dinner ready and we're sitting down at the table and B decides she doesn't want to eat and is yelling "I don't want it!!" Over and over again and pushing her chair away from the table. Then I just snapped I yelled that I had had enough and I went and locked myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes. When I came out everything was fine haha granted she still wasn't eating anything but by then I really didn't care.

We all had a heart to heart about what we needed to change in our parenting. I'm too controlling and  Ben is too lax, we need to find some balance.  Tomorrow is going to be a better day. One that hopefully doesn't have as many tantrums and more laughter. I'm going to try to ease the reigns on things that may not be very important and look for the good. We're going to have a nice day tomorrow, we have a lot to be grateful for and I need to remember that more. Nobody's kids are perfect. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but it's true. Everyone has flaws, even cute toddlers.  Were all just trying to learn and grow more every day.  I'm going to try harder to have more patience and compassion than I have had recently.  I've been too quick to get frustrated and show my frustration with a bad attitude.

Gold, Navy, and Coral Girls Bedroom

Its finally all done.  Like literally...not one more project to do, accessory to buy, or Pinterest pin to pin.  Well actually that's not completely true, I bought a pack of 4 spice racks for her book rack but only ended up using 3 so I'm going to put a small one right above her chalkboard table to hold her erasers and chalk..but that won't happen till this weekend.

Today I made sure to wake up a little bit earlier and put frozen on for Brynlee so I could make her room spotless and while she was busy watching the movie I could take some detail shots of her room.  Some people might think it's weird, but I like to photograph each room in our house every once in a while so I can look back and remember when we move to a different place and get older what it looked like.  It's a little memento that we can show our kids about living in Rexburg, Idaho Falls, and eventually somewhere far far away from Idaho ;) There were a few people who wanted the tutorials for some of the things that I was working on as well, so this is an easy way for ya'll to find the links.

I also wanted to get some more natural shots of Brynlee just doing her thing and playing in her room.  Contrary to popular belief, I do actually take pictures of her in normal clothes not prancing around in fields.  However our apartment most of the time doesn't have the best natural lighting so I'm really limited in when I can shoot that without having to get out my flash.

Brynlee's room was truly a labor of love (combined with some serious nesting!).  I wanted to make a space that she would actually play in and that I could see myself spending some serious time in there as well.  It's probably my favorite room in our apartment.  Here are the links for the DIY projects and some of my favorite items.

Pink and Gold Bedding: Land of Nod
Gold and white curtains: Land of Nod
Navy Rug: Overstock
Small geometric chair:  Walmart
Wall Prints:  Penny Jane Designs
DIY Garland:  tutorial here
DIY Ikea Children's table hack:  tutorial here
DIY Ikea Book Rack hack: tutorial here
DIY Ombre Dresser:  tutorial here

Memorial Day and Baby Update

We had so much fun down in Utah with the Jensens! It was a very much needed little break from Idaho, and was just nice to relax and be with family.  Brynlee did so good down there to.  She loved playing with her cousin Bentz and was slightly obsessed with Rich.  Saturday evening Rich and Ben watched Frozen with Brynlee while I tried to rest up since I wasn't feeling well at all.  The first thing she said when she woke up on Sunday was of course "pretty dress, Queen Brynlee".  She loves Frozen and her little nightgowns.  Anyways, she then looked at me and said "Grandpa nice, Grandpa fun".  Wherever Rich was Brynlee was right there with him.  It was so stinking sweet.

We had a yummy breakfast with all of the Jensen side Sunday morning and then we headed back to Idaho since I was feeling really crummy.  This pregnancy has definitely been different then with Brynlee.  Not this past Friday, but the one before I had an appointment with my midwife and my blood pressure has been rising considerably over the past few weeks.  She was concerned with some pain that I was having in the upper right of my belly as well as my swelling and some vision problems.  They were concerned with was preclampsia since they found protein in my urine and bad headaches.  They monitored the baby, took some blood work, took my blood pressure 5 or 6 times and I was there for like 4 hours with Brynlee.  It was a long day!  They finally said I could leave but I was on bed rest for the weekend and I had to do a 24 hour urine sample for them and come back in first thing Monday morning.  At my appointment on Monday there was no good news.  They found even more protein in my urine and my blood pressure was actually at its highest.  I also was feeling a decrease of movement from the baby.  They monitored me there for a couple of hours and then my blood pressure spiked and they sent me over to the hospital ERMC.  My midwife said that if I was 36 or 37 weeks they would have to induce me because of the blood pressure, but since I was only barely 34 weeks at the time that really wanted that to be the last option so the baby had some more time to develop.  It was actually pretty terrifying, because me being the worrier that I am immediately thought that the worst possible thing was going to happen.  I also had Brynlee with me to so I went and picked up Ben from work and we headed on over to the hospital.  I was having some small contractions while I was there, but I wasn't feeling any pain or discomfort and literally anything.  I never felt any Braxton hicks contractions with Brynlee so I don't even know what they feel like anyways haha.  Thankfully at the hospital my blood pressure went down and they got the blood work back so my kidneys and liver were working fine and hadn't been affected yet.  So they are just monitoring my blood pressure, blood work, and urine really closely at every appointment.  And told me to take it easy and take more baths haha.  I'm actually feeling quite a bit better then before so I hope we are out of the woods.  My midwife and I both don't think I'll go 40 weeks, but I don't want to get my hopes up or anything so I try not to think about it.

I plan on going naturally just like with Brynlee, with laboring at home as much as possible and then heading to the hospital.  I'm not one of those die hard natural birth ladies though.  If the pain got completely unbearable, I'm not completely opposed to an epidural.  It's my choice.  I'd rather not get one, but if I am induced and the contractions are too much for me to handle then I might possibly consider it.  My muscles aren't as strong this time around.  I keep telling Ben that I feel like this baby is going to just fall out of me.  I can't move well and my entire pelvic region is constantly in pain.  My midwife said it's because my ligaments are stretching out and because it's my second birth my pelvic floor isn't as strong as it was the first time around.  It's horrible pain, but other than a hot pad, baths, and taking it easy there isn't much more I can do just have to wait it out.  Thankfully it should go away after the baby is born.  I'd really really like to go natural because the recovery time was nothing.  I felt wonderful physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I'm frankly more nervous of the side effects of an epidural, not being in control of my own body, and any potential side effects to the baby then I am of giving birth unmedicated again.  The first time was great (and fast) so I'm crossing my fingers that it will be somewhat similar.