This pregnancy has definitely been rough on my body and my mind. It was never this physically difficult with Brynlee so deep down inside I have this worry that something just isn't right. And I'm scared to think that I have another 20 weeks of this pain.
As I write this its almost 12 am in the morning and I've just woke up in horrible pain. I dislocated my ribs once again while i was sleeping, this is now the third time. If you've never dislocated them you may think I'm a big baby, but if you have then you understand the pain I am in. I wake up feeling like somebody is crushing my spin, it feels like there is 100 lbs crushing me making it difficult to breath, I'm so dizzy because of it and I can't even take a deep breath. Sometimes the pain hurts so bad that i throw up. Not just a little either, I'm talking projectile vomiting everything I had for dinner. It reminds me.exactly when I started labor with Brynlee, I woke up said I didn't feel.good and then made a mad dash to the bathroom. My throwing up kick started my contractions. So every time I throw up like.that I am so scared that I'm going to go into labor too early. I can't sleep when this happens and I'm one of those people that need sleep. This pain doesnt stop either, And there is nothing to relieve the pain until i get adjusted the next day.
I'm so tired. I never sleep well and I'm just exhausted and short tempered. I have no support around here except Ben, who works 9 hours a day. I am on egg shells all day about when the pain is going to start. I am going to start going to the chiropractor at least every other week to get adjusted but the dislocating will not stop for the rest of the pregnancy. To be totally blunt and honest I'm so scared of the next 4 months and how it's only going to get worse as time progresses, this makes it really hard to enjoy the process of the wonderful miracle and gift of life that I am blessed enough to participate in.
I feel so bad for complaining about my pain when others struggle to get pregnant and to keep those pregnancies viable. We have experienced some of those same struggles ourselves and i can recall my feelings. At the same time though I wish I could talk about it with someone who understands what it's like to have chronic pain. It's affecting my attitude and my Outlook right now and not in a positive way. Ben ran out to get me a heating pad and I'll be getting a blessing from him when he gets home.
Right now I just needed to write down what I'm feeling to get it out of my system. I need to remind myself that this will pass and in just a matter of months I will have a sweet little baby in my arms as a reward. Heavenly Father doesn't give us what we can't handle, so I am strong enough to get through this and there is a purpose for this pain.