When I Grow Up....

I have some big plans up my sleeves for the next five years!! We plan on moving when Ben gets done with school in about a 1.5-2 years.  Till then I will be doing newborn sessions in the spare room of our apartment.  However, when we move I am going to totally and completely revamp my business.

We're trying to have another baby, but chances our it's going to take us a while just like the last time!  We are taking a break for 6 months and I'm on trying to loose weight.  I don't want to get pregnant at the size I am because 1) it not healthy, 2) I'll only get bigger!, and 3) I don't know if I would ever loose the weight.  SO we have been eating at home more, using the elliptical, and I've been sure to get outside with Brynlee for a few hours every day.  So far I've lost 10 lbs, but it's all water weight probably.  My appetite has gone down a ton though :)

So ideally we'll get pregnant with baby #2 before we move (and hopefully have her here shortly before we move).  I'll take some time off when we move to a new state and then start up again in a few months.  This is just a dream plan, let's see how life actually plays out!!

I have been talking with Ben how ideally I would really like to expand my business more and because more reputable and established.  I don't want to be known as the "cheap photographer".  I would like to change the name to something more specific to newborns (eventually I want to only take them and babies) and a little bit cute and whimsical because that's my style.

I also plan on 5 years having completely changed the structure of my business.  In 5 years I'd like to be able to earn enough to get an actual studio space outside of the home to take sessions, consultations, and do to preview and ordering sessions.  No more shoot and burn!  Eventually, I won't be offering a print release (unless they want to pay $300+) and I'd like to make a good living selling prints and canvases to a higher clientele.  So this means that in the next few years I will need to invest in more education (I'd really like to attend a workshop), a new camera body, a new lens, better studio lighting, and an external flash.  Also, there is a lot of money and work that goes into making a studio space.  Which means I need to start saving now!! :)

Here's some studio inspiration:

18 Months

Oh man this mommy job definitely gets harder when you have a toddler on your hands!  Totally worth it though when she gives me great big hugs, holds my hands, and blows me kisses.

We also have raised a monkey.  Seriously, the similarities are hilarious!  We have a very active little child.  She LOVES climbing everything and is pretty adventurous. She knows how to climb up the chairs on top of the table and then into her chair.  She also loves to walk on the counters.  We've had to rearrange some furniture to help curb her enthusiasm for climbing and avoid any broken bones in the future.  She still manages to find ways to climb though.

She also loves her slide!  We got her a little toddler slide and we keep it out in the living room.  Whenever we want to distract her there are 3 things we say, 1) can you show me how to go down the slide, 2) where's your sippy cup and 3) can you find your baby doll.  It's amazing how she can follow directions.  She doesn't say many words, just momma, dada, hi, what's that, who's that, hat, cheese, and occasionally shoes.  She still signs for more and all done though.  However yesterday we told her to go find her shoes and she said, "where shoes?"  while looking in the closet.  I was pretty proud :)

Brynlee is also a total ham.  We went out for dinner at McDonalds the other night (don't judge us!) and the minute we got there she was so happy to see everyone there and was running up to them waving and saying Hi.  Although she definitely has her moments of tantrum she generally is so happy and kind to people.  She has been in nursery twice now and is loving it! She actually gets a little sad when we come to pick her up because she knows she's going to be leaving all her little buddies.

I also got called to teach primary!  I'm teaching the 7-8 year olds, so the kids who are preparing to be baptized for have already been baptized this year.  It's a pretty sweet gig for the most part.  Granted I never get to talk to anyone in our ward, but my kids are fun.  We have one really special little guy who is severely autistic, completely out of nowhere he will randomly jump out of his seat and start hitting someone.  Ben explained it to me that they aren't necessarily doing it out of anger, but rather the sensation that hitting gives them.  I had my first experience with this today which was completely nuts!  He calmed down though and was completely fine in just a matter of minutes.  I have to say to that he has the absolutely sweetest smile and it seriously melts my heart.  I sit next to him and call him my little buddy, and he told me that I was his favorite teacher.  Ah shucks, this kid really is special!

Work has been good for both me and Ben.  He just finished teaching his training class and had a really good time.  He starts another one at the end of August and after putting in two of those classes he's hoping that a higher position will open up for him within the company.  Work has been really busy with me and I'm still trying to find a balance.  I try really hard not to work when Brynlee is awake, but to use that time to spend it with her or clean the house.  This means though that I typically don't even go to bed until 1 or 2 am.  I definitely can't complain though.  I'm so grateful that I have been able to pursue this dream of mine and help contribute to our income.  Definitely comes with some challenges, but for the most part it's great.

I've had to change my business structure a tad (I'm sure no one reading this even gives a hoot though!)  Before I wasn't requiring deposits but I have been getting a TON of bookings over the last couple of weeks. I now have at least three scheduled sessions a week clear out till September!  Then from September through October I have all my weekends booked but one.  SO if you are wanting a session, be sure to email me right away! I wasn't requiring deposits but then I had one family simply not show up to their Saturday evening session (which are very valuable!) and I had two newborn no-shows.  Stupid people.  So those three bad apples ruined it for the whole bunch.  I now require a 50% nonrefundable deposit to reserve your date, which is then subtracted from the total.  Most people have been really understanding of why I'm doing this, but you always get one person who doesn't want to pay it.  And to them I say...well find someone else then! Just kidding, I don't say that.  Deposits however are NEVER negotiable.  It's also a wonderful way to help me budget actually running a business and estimate our additional income for the month.  Anyways, enough of that business talk.  I have no problem saying though that I am really proud of myself! :)

On a more personal note, we can't wait to have another baby! No baby yet, but we are working on that.  Brynlee is going to be one awesome big sister.  Just the other day at Church this little boy was crying in the hallway and Brynlee went up to him to pat his back and give him a hug, it was so dang sweet.  She loves babies, probably a little too much so we are working on her being a little bit more gentle.

The Baby Bug

Oh it happened!  Remember me saying that I wasn't baby hungry...yea not anymore.  Just in the last few weeks we have been thinking and talking about it a lot.  Ben has been wanting us to have another baby for quite some time, but it's me that is a little more hesitant   It's probably because Brynlee is getting older and I see how much she LOVES babies and plays so well with other kids (well, usually).  We want to try to get pregnant sometime in August or September.  I don't care what anyone says; I really really want a summer baby.  I know how hard it is firsthand with Brynlee being born so close to Christmas and we want to try and spread the joy out throughout the year.  Obviously there is only so much we can control though, so I will just cross my fingers :)  I already have names picked out though for a boy or a girl.  I'm going to be keeping them a secret though!  Seriously I don't want to tell anyone until he/she is born.  And no- neither of them start with a B.

Mothers day was good, but to be honest it was a rough day for us.  Brynlee didn't go down for a nap before Church so when we got there she was over-tired and just wanted to run around like crazy.  Eventually we ended up leaving after the first two hours so Brynlee could get a nap in before dinner and I didn't lose my mind.  Ben asked me what I wanted him to make me for dinner and I told him; honestly I want Olive Garden!  I have been dying for some lately so he was sweet enough to take me out for dinner right when I wanted it.  He's a champ.

The BIG D

You know that absolutely terrifying heartbreaking word right...DIVORCE.  Hold your horses though and don't jump to conclusions, we are not divorcing or even heading down that road.  We had a rough year right before Brynlee was born and shortly after but thankfully we both changed for the better and couldn't love each other and our little family more than we do right now.  Yes, we definitely disagree with each other sometimes, but for the most part we are on the same page.

Just this morning though while I was wasting time on facebook, I came across a little 'announcement' made by a past co-worker of mine.  She had explained on facebook that her and her husband were getting a divorce.  They were sealed in the temple and past students at BYU-Idaho.  In a nutshell she said that she has suffered for three years and has sought a lot of counsel from their Bishop and prayer, and that enough was enough she had to think of herself.

I couldn't help but think to myself one; this is so sad, and two; how does this happen?

How do people who were once madly in love with each other and made such sacred promises get to the point of wanting to dissolve their partnership and move on without one another.  Now I'm not saying anything else about this couple, this is just my own thoughts on the matter of divorce (not their divorce in particular because its frankly none of my business).

I don't think that divorce sneaks up on people; I think it comes gradually over a period of time.  Feelings of anger, resentment, hostility, rejection, and distrust slowly drown a couple.  Marital matters that should be resolved or at least worked on are either swept under the rug or approached in the wrong manner.  By approaching in the wrong manner I mean- when you spouse comes to you with an honest complaint and you get defensive and either want to get back at them or not want to listen to them.  We all have different aspects of ourselves as husbands and wives that we need to work on.  Let's be honest nobody is perfect.  I have met those amazing couples who seem to have so much love, compassion, and admiration for one another but also comes over time.  I can honestly say that even though right now I am trying to be the best wife and mother I can be (an oftentimes I feel like I fall short), I think that in 5 years, 10 years, heck even 20 years down the road I will be so much better than I am now.  Life is about progressing.

As a couple we should strive to progress with one another.  When we stop progressing towards become better and more Christlike than we are slowly opening the door for negativity to enter into our relationship.  This is the same for a marriage- even when one person stops progressing it puts a strain and a burden on the relationship.

Even though I feel like I answered my question; I keep asking myself the question again- how does this happen?  My parents divorce was not one that was drawn out.  I was only 5 years old.  It was a pretty simple divorce and I don't remember too much from that time (that's probably a blessing!).  My parents disagreed a lot (so I've been told), but that wasn't the main cause of their divorce.  My Dad left my mom for another woman.  Pretty plain and simple.  He loved this other 'woman' (I put that in parenthesis because in my opinion any woman who actively pursues a married man loses complete and all respect from me, and I don't think she should be honored with the amazing title that it is to be a woman) more than he loved his family.  He put his selfish and stupid desires above his commitment to his family, and in the end it only left him with heartache.

So I think I've figured it out- divorce is cause by a lack of caring on either one or both individuals part.  A lack of caring about each other's welfare   I think it happens when people turn inward instead of outward   When they put their own needs above others; not only their spouses, but their families, their children, etc.

Well, if you made it to the end congratulations!  This may sound like rambling but I like to write down my thoughts and Ben's at work so I can't talk to him so the internet will have to do.

One thing that I really got out of writing this is that I need to hold my husbands hand more, talk to him more, listen to him more, confide in him more, and especially pray and go to the temple with him more.  I'm so grateful that we have been sealed in the temple and that we can have the Spirit in our home and in our marriage when we are actively pursuing to be better people.  I'm grateful that we both decided to change for the better and that we overcame the rough patch that we had back in Rexburg.  I'm really grateful that we can disagree and constructively come to a decision.  I'm grateful that I don't need to bottle everything up and explode, but that I can talk to him about anything and that he is a great listen.

Hug your loved ones a little tighter today.

I was that girl who cried at church today...

You know when you are having one of those days...or better yet a week.  I try to be patient, kind, and calm, but then I just bottle everything up and turn into a weeping mess.

Let me start at the beginning for you.  Church is very hard for us to attend- let alone stay all three hours.  It's right during B's nap time and no matter how hard we try to adjust it, it doesn't happen.  So we end up going to Church- basically every Sunday- with a cranky little girl.  When Brynlee has an attitude, it is bad.  Like really bad.  Embarrassing bad; makes me feel like a failure of a mother kind of bad.  Today was no different than the last couple of Sundays.  During the week she is the easiest girl to go down for a nap, and thankfully still does two a day.  However, when Sunday comes along it's all down hill till 4pm when we get home and she goes straight to sleep.

At church all she want's to do is run around.  We live in a very old ward though, if you know what I mean.  So I get disapproving looks from elderly women on a regular basis about her running around.  She's an active kid!  While she does enjoy reading at home- when she is not home she loves to explore everywhere and everything.  Trying to get her to stay in one spot and sit contently is like trying to tie down a wild boar with a piece of dental floss- it's impossible!  I do try though- I try my freaking hardest to get her to be calm and learn to be reverent when we are at Church. Am I succeeding---as far as I can tell...no.  I'll keep trying though!

Well after a rough sacrament meeting we went into Sunday School.  As soon as we sat down in our chairs Brynlee starts trying to get out of the room.  When you tell her no and try to redirect her attention- sometimes it works and sometimes it's a complete fail.  Today was a fail- with her throwing her body on the ground and yelling for a few seconds.  This is all when people are trying to come into the room mind you- so now Brynlee is making her own human barricade.

I pick her up and she just yells louder and arches her back to get out of my grip.  I give up and put her on the ground- hoping I can redirect her with a snack, a bunch of toys, anything!  Well it doesn't work and she goes running out the door.  Ben goes outside to try and rangel her.  Meanwhile I unconsciously let out a loud, "UGHHH" and put my hand on my forehand.  The lady in front of us turned around smiled and laughed, I just looked at her and said, "it's just one of those days" and she gave me a pitty smile.  I know that she didn't mean anything negative by it at all, she is very nice, it probably reminded her of when her own kids were younger.  However, for some reason my heart broke.  I started crying right there.  I couldn't help it.  Because of my own insecurities I took it as "oh that girl can't manage her toddler", even though I'm positive that's not what she was thinking.

I then had to make the long walk to the bathroom trying to hide the tears coming out my eyes.  And of course as soon as I get into the bathroom- it's completely jammed packed!  I wait patiently avoiding eye contact with anyone because by then I really did look like a mess.  When I got into the bathroom stall I just buried my face into a bunch of toilet paper trying to muffle the sound of me bawling.

I guess I just needed a good cry.  I used to be a cryer- but I'm not so much anymore.  I think the stress that I put on myself and that society puts on all of us to be the best mothers and raise the best kids just overwhelmed me today.

I calmed myself down and waited till everyone left and then cleaned myself off and then had a good rest of Church.  I feel much better now too! I guess we all deserve a good cry once in a while.  Happy Sunday!  

16 Months Old

Oh my has time flown by!  We are at the 16 month mark and boy have things changed a bit.  My once sweet little lady, has now just as much attitude as she does sweetness. It's not all bad though, she can hold her own in a crowd, is not scared of others at all, plays extremely well with other kids, and does a pretty good job at sharing too.  However, we have also been blessed with...biting (ouch), hitting (absolutely not), and of course bossing mom around (yea, that doesn't go over well).  3 minute tantrums are now a daily thing, however so are lots of kisses, hugs, smiles, and laughter.  It can't be good all the time right?

At 16 months Brynlee is trying to roll over from her headstand.  Climbs literally everything.  And I'm talking actually scales it!  Runs into everything whenever she gets really excited and happy about something.  I swear people probably think we beat her with the number of bruises that she has gotten this week!  When Brynlee gets hurt she doesn't run to anyone for comfort.  Instead she runs AWAY from you screaming.  Within a few minutes though she calms down and will come to you for some lovin'.

Brynlee's also got a few words down now:  no, stop it, up, sit (which still sounds like shiz), Momma and Dada (obviously), what's that, who's that, and occasionally she'll say banana.  We are desperately trying to teach her please and thank you, but so far nothing.

As far as food goes, this child will basically eat everything.  However in the last week she has decided that she desperately HATES peas.  Don't you dare even put them on her plate.  She loves grilled chicken, green beans, black beans, pears and peaches, PB&J's, broccoli  and especially carrots.  She would seriously eat only carrots if I let her.  She's also still in mainly 12 month clothes but is starting to make her way into some 18 month pants.  They are to big around her waste, but fit her legs lengthwise.  My small fry.  She's still has that cute little baby fat, but is light as a feather (except every time I walk up stairs with her I feel like she is 20lbs. heavier lol)

Two months till nursey! We are sooo excited!  Church is so hard for us.  It's from 1pm-4pm so right at lunch and nap time.  Completely throws her off the whole day.  So I'm not really sure how or when we are going to try to change her nap time so that she doesn't get difficult during nursery.

Alright one last thing!  I always take pictures of Brynlee's face or whole body.  I have realized though that I have forgotten to take some good pictures of her tiny little features.  You know those wrinkly little hands, teeny tiny feet, those little curls on the back of her head.  Yesterday I whipped out my camera and tried my hardest to take some pictures of those little details that we sometimes forget.  They go away so fast!  I'm so happy that I did.  When I sat down to go through and edit her pictures I got all choked up and teary eyed because I really see how she is growing up.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not in that stage that wishes their kids would stay baby's forever.  I'm perfectly content, excited, and thrilled to watch her grow and develop.  Yes, this 16 months has been such a blast, but let's be honest....the next 18+ years are going to be blasts to! It goes by fast though, so ladies get out your camera, iphones, whatever you have and take some snap shots of those delicate little features that by tomorrow will have changed.

Good Old Bathtime

One of our favorite parts of the day!  Brynlee rarely sits down in the bath anymore and prefers to stand up dancing, splashing, and stomping.  She is certainly a hoot.

However, after the bath last night all heck broke loose.  We were up all night, she just did not want to go to sleep.  Not pleasant one bit.

Brynlee's nicknames- Bugs, Bear, B, sweets, lil' momma, and Brynny.