You know when you are having one of those days...or better yet a week. I try to be patient, kind, and calm, but then I just bottle everything up and turn into a weeping mess.
Let me start at the beginning for you. Church is very hard for us to attend- let alone stay all three hours. It's right during B's nap time and no matter how hard we try to adjust it, it doesn't happen. So we end up going to Church- basically every Sunday- with a cranky little girl. When Brynlee has an attitude, it is bad. Like really bad. Embarrassing bad; makes me feel like a failure of a mother kind of bad. Today was no different than the last couple of Sundays. During the week she is the easiest girl to go down for a nap, and thankfully still does two a day. However, when Sunday comes along it's all down hill till 4pm when we get home and she goes straight to sleep.
At church all she want's to do is run around. We live in a very old ward though, if you know what I mean. So I get disapproving looks from elderly women on a regular basis about her running around. She's an active kid! While she does enjoy reading at home- when she is not home she loves to explore everywhere and everything. Trying to get her to stay in one spot and sit contently is like trying to tie down a wild boar with a piece of dental floss- it's impossible! I do try though- I try my freaking hardest to get her to be calm and learn to be reverent when we are at Church. Am I succeeding---as far as I can tell...no. I'll keep trying though!
Well after a rough sacrament meeting we went into Sunday School. As soon as we sat down in our chairs Brynlee starts trying to get out of the room. When you tell her no and try to redirect her attention- sometimes it works and sometimes it's a complete fail. Today was a fail- with her throwing her body on the ground and yelling for a few seconds. This is all when people are trying to come into the room mind you- so now Brynlee is making her own human barricade.
I pick her up and she just yells louder and arches her back to get out of my grip. I give up and put her on the ground- hoping I can redirect her with a snack, a bunch of toys, anything! Well it doesn't work and she goes running out the door. Ben goes outside to try and rangel her. Meanwhile I unconsciously let out a loud, "UGHHH" and put my hand on my forehand. The lady in front of us turned around smiled and laughed, I just looked at her and said, "it's just one of those days" and she gave me a pitty smile. I know that she didn't mean anything negative by it at all, she is very nice, it probably reminded her of when her own kids were younger. However, for some reason my heart broke. I started crying right there. I couldn't help it. Because of my own insecurities I took it as "oh that girl can't manage her toddler", even though I'm positive that's not what she was thinking.
I then had to make the long walk to the bathroom trying to hide the tears coming out my eyes. And of course as soon as I get into the bathroom- it's completely jammed packed! I wait patiently avoiding eye contact with anyone because by then I really did look like a mess. When I got into the bathroom stall I just buried my face into a bunch of toilet paper trying to muffle the sound of me bawling.
I guess I just needed a good cry. I used to be a cryer- but I'm not so much anymore. I think the stress that I put on myself and that society puts on all of us to be the best mothers and raise the best kids just overwhelmed me today.
I calmed myself down and waited till everyone left and then cleaned myself off and then had a good rest of Church. I feel much better now too! I guess we all deserve a good cry once in a while. Happy Sunday!